Fighting Advice

If you ever plan on fighting someone,

for example, you become an action movie hero,

or you make lots of insulting comments about people’s loved ones,

or you play Jake Doyle on the Republic of Doyle TV show,

or you spend any time at all with Jackie Chan

or you get sent back in time to the Wild West and become a poker player,

or you go to opposing political party rallies wearing a t-shirt with a picture of their candidate and the words Stupid Jerk Face above the candidate’s picture,

or you’re a hockey player,

make sure your opponent isn’t carrying an invisible, inter-dimensional, lightning-fast, automatic, honey-baked ham shooting gun.

You won’t win.

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