Mr. Gutbloom (and Mr. Stephen M. Tomic), I believe you have confused me with my cousin Phineas Phiddlephaddle. You read correctly. We share the same exact first and surname. I can promise you, it caused considerable consternation between my mother and her sister when my mother chose the same name for her son as my aunt did previously for hers. But my aunt returned the favor when she bore a girl and chose the same exact name as my sister for her daughter. Initially, my mother was distraught. Then she realized that it was actually quite humorous and the sisterly relationship was restored.

I can also assure you that I have baby smooth, clear skin, and as such, have never had need for an eczema ointment. It is a result of being raise on the island of Phiddle. All residents of Phiddle have remarkably lustrous skin. It is only upon leaving the island that the effects of civilization begin showing on our skin.

You must also excuse Mark Starlin. He is well-known to spread falsehoods under the guise of writing “fiction.” An obvious result of a misspent childhood outdoors instead of doing his studies.

I will send a carrier finch at once to my cousin demanding that he restore the good name of Phiddlphaddle and compensate you for your tonic.

Good day.