Fed up with the corruption, lying, and partisan nature of politics, Georgians have made an astounding political statement by using write-in votes to elect a Giant Peach to the US Senate. The Giant Peach is (debatably) the first non-human elected to the US Senate.
Legal challenges are imminent. Rudy Giuliani was being considered by the Republican Party to head the legal fight until he made the following statement.
“I am appalled that Georgia elected a giant peach to the Senate. If they were determined to elect a fruit, it should have been a big apple.” — Rudy Giuliani
Georgia residents interviewed after the election scoffed at the idea of an apple being elected.
“No self-respecting Georgian would elect an apple. This is peach country.” — Georgia resident Dan ‘The Metal Roof Man’ Grady
Republicans have since turned to day-time TV advertisements to find a suitable lawyer to head the legal fight. If the non-human legal argument doesn’t hold water, lawyers plan to use the non-citizen clause, arguing that the Giant Peach is the same Giant Peach from the British children’s book James and the Giant Peach.
The Giant Peach’s spokesperson replied. “This Giant Peach was grown in the US. Right here in the heart of Georgia. And therefore eligible as a citizen.”
Democrats were equally surprised by the Fruit Elect. When approached about whether they would take legal action, an off-the-record party leader replied,
“We will look closely at this development and do the same thing we always do. Which is, pretty much, do the same thing we always do, and then hope for the best.” — An “off-the-record” Democratic party leader.
When interviewed by reporters about the win, the Giant Peach said, well, nothing. Reporters then questioned the peach’s spokesperson about how a non-verbal senator would work.
“The people have spoken. The Giant Peach will not.” — Giant Peach Spokesperson
Most voters interviewed were thrilled with the thought of a politician who can’t speak. A group of celebratory voters in the streets of Atlanta broke into a chant of, “Less talk, more work.”
Several issues still need to be worked out before the Giant Peach can begin its term as Senator. Like how it will fit in the senate chairs, which were not designed for giant fruit. And how it will raise its hand to vote.
As usual, exiting President Donald Trump took to social media to express his dismay and tweeted,
“Giant Fruit are stupid. Even stupider than people who didn’t vote for me. This election has been nothing but voter fraud. Except for the Republicans who won. No fraud there.” — President Trump
There are more questions than answers at this point, but for now, Georgia residents are celebrating the first peach ever elected to the Senate.
Sadly, this is satire [or fake news, if you prefer.]