So you want to be a writer on How You Should Think, Believe, And Live? Of course, you do. People need to be told what to think, what to believe, and how to live. We can’t have people walking around with different opinions, viewpoints, and beliefs than we have. That would be uncomfortable. And border on liberty.
What We Are Looking For
If you feel compelled to tell others what to think, what to believe (or not believe, or how stupid they are to believe), and how to live, then you are the kind of writer we are looking for. We just made you a writer. We are that good.
Before we get to the rules, here is some advice you need to succeed on How You Should Think, Believe, And Live? And writing online in general.
The Three Big Guns Of Opinion Writing
Controversy, superiority, and outrage. I’ll write those again (actually, I copied and pasted — another handy writing tool.) Controversy, superiority, and outrage. These three will never let you down when writing online. Make them your stock in trade. If your story is based on one of these themes, it will work online.
“Controversy, superiority, and outrage. These three will never let you down when writing online.” — Unnecessary, but encouraged Pull Quote designed for those who skim articles. Why anyone would want to attract skimmers is unclear, but writing gurus say you should use pull quotes, so do it!
Now, let’s get down to THE RULES of writing for How You Should Think, Believe, And Live.
Titles need to reel in readers. Time to go fishing with click-bait. Eyes are the prize.
The more controversial a title, the better. It is getting harder to shock people these days, but you must try. Think of the most appalling, offensive, or disgusting thing you can think of, and then think of how you can justify it or make it seem acceptable. If you can do this, you are on the right track.
A title that makes readers mad is also good. If you can offend someone, even better. Don’t hold back; an insulting headline is a winning headline. Make it personal. Criticize someone personally.
Or better yet, criticize a whole group of people. It’s easy to do. The media constantly lumps people into groups by political views, religion, sexual preference, race, nationality, etc. Take their cue, generalize, and offend large groups of people all at once.
Ignore the fact that we are all individuals and unique. That won’t get you anywhere. Remember, group and insult.
A title that makes you sound superior to others is always a winner. Remember, you are superior. So work it! Since your opinion is the only valid one, it is up to you to point out how ignorant people are for having a different opinion. Those that agree will love you, and those who don’t will want to troll you. Either way, you get reads.
Controversy, superiority, and outrage are your tools, but what stories should you create using them? Here are some topic ideas.
What makes people madder than politics? Almost nothing else is as derisive. Milk it. It’s so easy! You can’t go wrong if you apply controversy, outrage, or superiority to your political article. It’s money in the bank.
This used to be a bigger offender, but now that politics is the primary religion on Earth, it is a little less effective. Still, you can’t go wrong insulting believers or berating their faith. Just remember, certain religions are off-limits. You know which ones I’m talking about — wink, wink.
Every aspect of sex is a gold mine. You write about sex; it works. Even writing about a lack of sex works. People love sex.
We all know celebrities are more intelligent than the rest of us, so when they speak, people listen. Superiority plays well in celebrity stories, but controversy and outrage also work. And don’t forget, you can always attack a celebrity that has gone off the politically-correct rails. Readers love to tear stars down also.
The Secret Weapon
American was founded on ideals like freedom and liberty. But come on. Who really wants that? We want everyone to think, believe, and live as we do. And they should. It’s your job to make them.
Fortunately, we have a secret weapon — peer pressure. Which we at How You Should Think, Believe, And Live like to call “group bullying.” When we band together, we can force our opinions on others. It’s the core principle behind political parties. It’s your duty. Unleash your inner opinion bully.
Now get out there and write! Then submit your story here, and we will let you know if it is up to snuff.
— The Editors
[This is satire. There is no How You Should Think, Believe, And Live publication. At least, not using that exact title. We are all humans. Consider being kind to each other, even if you disagree.]